Please do not read further if you are sensitive to or are triggered by topics such as identity crisis, self harm, suicide, or fractured relationships.
I feel completely unrelatable to people my age besides my few close friends. I get angry all the time, but instead of acting out violently, I channel my rage into my drawings. This disturbs many people including my family. In reality this is actually quite small-minded to assume that me drawing these violent things is a sign of mental illness. Just because I don't cry and scream when something makes me angry doesn't mean I don't feel the emotion or I don't need a way to express myself. When I draw I pour out my heart onto the pages, my drawing book is the only thing that knows my true thoughts and intentions, I often feel isolated and like I can't talk to anyone about my problems because they don't want to listen. How could you ask someone if they are ok, if you're not prepared to hear the answer? I feel dead inside. The moment my mouth opens, my parents ears shut.
It makes me so angry and sad I want to die. And I'm not joking for effect. Because of this I have seriously considered taking my own life on multiple occasions. The most readily available method would be via the rat poison that we have lying around the shed...after all...aren't I just a pest? Another way would be by throwing myself into oncoming traffic. Maybe that would be shocking enough for someone to realise there was something wrong... It feels like whenever I show interest in something...my mother says that something I enjoy is fake, it makes me feel like I'm not real. It feels like no-matter what I do, my mother will always think that I'm pretending to be something I'm not. When in reality, I'm just being myself, and she is trying to get me to change into something she'd prefer, something I'm not. She's the one trying to change me to be more in line with her preferences and her beliefs. I always feels like as long as I'm breathing, my parents and I will always argue and fight about the most stupid things. They refuse to accept that I'm not doing anything wrong and that I'm just being myself, it feels like they can't go five seconds without claiming that I am doing something wrong...that I am wrong...